This semester has been a roller coaster ride and a half. My heart sighs with an ache for the brokenness of this world and a weariness from constantly fighting that brokenness. My heart swells with the love I've come to know from my Father and with a hope that I can't help but see in each face I see every day. We have been created with a longing for eternal relationship with our Creator. People use anything they can get their hands on to satisfy this need, whether it's alcohol, drugs, sex, sports, clothes, friends, pills, music, whatever this world offers them. I remember trying out other ways to fulfill my life but seriously nothing worked. God was waiting so patiently for me to stop running to solutions that wear off, solutions that don't actually work. Then He slowly started drawing me back to Himself, showing me how He is the only thing, the only way. I'm surrounded by friends, people that are practically family, who are still floundering, looking for the one way out. It's not enough for me to solve their problem for them because they're a different person than I am. All I can do is love them and pray for them. God's the one that changes them, that fulfills them, not me. I'm another short-term solution, but Jesus, He's it. It's a joy to serve a God who is so full of grace and love and compassion, who doesn't give up, who never fails, never backs down, who's always faithful until the absolute end. It is a joy. My heart breaks because I know the futility of our worldly answers, but it's mended when I look to my Creator, my Redeemer. Keep my brothers and sisters at the University of New Hampshire in your prayers, that the Lord would continue the work He has started here, because He's doing some sweet as things!
Pappa J and I head to China is just over 6 weeks. I have no words to express the excitement that I have for being invited to serve the special needs children of Hidden Treasures Home. Please keep us in your prayers as we prepare to head out!
CLICK HERE to learn more about Hidden Treasures Home!
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Calm in the storm
I was blessed with a time of a lot of understanding of what the Lord was doing in my life, through me and in me. I looked back on last semester at my struggles and prayers and saw how He worked and was still working them together for my good. I treasured these moments in my heart and really worked them out. I grew a lot and made new, stronger, bigger commitments to the Lord, laid down more parts of my life. It was so good.
Then I was thrown into action, everything at once, a ton of new things. Everything hit me and I was at the bottom of the biggest mountain that had absolutely no way up. I argued with God about what He was calling me to; everything was impossible, I wasn't qualified, I wasn't ready, I couldn't do it. I can't face the world on my own, I can't change people.
That's when my breath catches in my throat and I can't even complain without praising the God who sits on the throne. I can't. My worries and complaints would lead right into praise. I was still honest with God about not being cut out for what He's called me to, and He just sat and listened to me. When I finally closed my mouth, He reminded me, as He always does, that He already won. Yea, I don't have the strength or the words or anything to do anything, but He does and all I need to do is what He asks me to do. The awesome thing is, I don't do it alone; I can only do it through His strength which means He is here and there with me and I am never alone.
This morning I finally feel peace about everything; I don't feel like doubts are being thrown into my mind. The calm in the storm. I've seen what it's like to try without God. He's giving me a breather before we try again.
The Lord is so good and faithful. I cannot live my life for anything else, nothing has ever satisfied me and I've tried a few things. Then He drew me back and said 'let's try again together'.
Prayers for strength, perseverance, and discernment would be so appreciated.
Then I was thrown into action, everything at once, a ton of new things. Everything hit me and I was at the bottom of the biggest mountain that had absolutely no way up. I argued with God about what He was calling me to; everything was impossible, I wasn't qualified, I wasn't ready, I couldn't do it. I can't face the world on my own, I can't change people.
That's when my breath catches in my throat and I can't even complain without praising the God who sits on the throne. I can't. My worries and complaints would lead right into praise. I was still honest with God about not being cut out for what He's called me to, and He just sat and listened to me. When I finally closed my mouth, He reminded me, as He always does, that He already won. Yea, I don't have the strength or the words or anything to do anything, but He does and all I need to do is what He asks me to do. The awesome thing is, I don't do it alone; I can only do it through His strength which means He is here and there with me and I am never alone.
This morning I finally feel peace about everything; I don't feel like doubts are being thrown into my mind. The calm in the storm. I've seen what it's like to try without God. He's giving me a breather before we try again.
The Lord is so good and faithful. I cannot live my life for anything else, nothing has ever satisfied me and I've tried a few things. Then He drew me back and said 'let's try again together'.
Prayers for strength, perseverance, and discernment would be so appreciated.
You are just and fair God
Your grace has no end
You are God who sits on the throne
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Enough
God's been slowly teaching me something these past couple months and I still can't put words to it. A friend today asked how God stuff was and my mind started going 501 mph and I told her I didn't have words for it yet.
Then I read THIS (yes that means click this and read the blog post) and realized this is part of what I've been learning and seeing. It's hard and it's sad to see everyone around me pretend to be so complete and pretend to be fulfilled by the fleeting things of this world. There this emptiness is the back of their voices and in the spaces in their eyes. That sounds weird, but look at the people around you. Look at them. Talk to them, and listen to them. There's this emptiness that creeps me out because they aren't whole, that space hasn't been filled with Jesus and the worldly things they fill it with keep leaking out because they'll never be enough. Relationships definitely don't complete you; good grades don't complete you; money doesn't complete you; mission trips don't complete you; music doesn't complete you; drinking and drugs and partying doesn't complete you. All these things can promise happiness and good times and the bad things going away, but nothing actually works.
The worst part for me is seeing people I care about walking in this lie, looking to the world for satisfaction and joy. I do what I can and let Jesus do the rest.
Then go read THIS (yes, this is a link too). There's so much hurt and pain and suffering in the world. There's so much hate and anger. There's so much hunger and thirst and disease. BUT, Jesus won. We are covered by grace and God is always good and always faithful. What happens doesn't always, or even often, make sense but something that I cannot let go of and that I believe with my life is that God is good and He is faithful. He IS.
Don't ever let go of that.
Then I read THIS (yes that means click this and read the blog post) and realized this is part of what I've been learning and seeing. It's hard and it's sad to see everyone around me pretend to be so complete and pretend to be fulfilled by the fleeting things of this world. There this emptiness is the back of their voices and in the spaces in their eyes. That sounds weird, but look at the people around you. Look at them. Talk to them, and listen to them. There's this emptiness that creeps me out because they aren't whole, that space hasn't been filled with Jesus and the worldly things they fill it with keep leaking out because they'll never be enough. Relationships definitely don't complete you; good grades don't complete you; money doesn't complete you; mission trips don't complete you; music doesn't complete you; drinking and drugs and partying doesn't complete you. All these things can promise happiness and good times and the bad things going away, but nothing actually works.
The worst part for me is seeing people I care about walking in this lie, looking to the world for satisfaction and joy. I do what I can and let Jesus do the rest.
Then go read THIS (yes, this is a link too). There's so much hurt and pain and suffering in the world. There's so much hate and anger. There's so much hunger and thirst and disease. BUT, Jesus won. We are covered by grace and God is always good and always faithful. What happens doesn't always, or even often, make sense but something that I cannot let go of and that I believe with my life is that God is good and He is faithful. He IS.
Don't ever let go of that.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Thirsty thursday
"If God is not in the plain things of the life, the coming and going of every day, the morning cereal, the 3-minutes-late to-class-feeling, and the charm of fall leaves, then he is nowhere."
I like this quote a lot. It's one of the first things I saw on facebook just now.
I feel like this is what I've been missing recently. I had such a hold on it when I first came home, even when I was working this summer. I have a grasp of it when I'm in my dorm room and I think it's partly because of the presence of God that just flows in our room. The rest of campus is filled with so many other things that so many people just take a hold of and it's distracting.
It's so sad to see the things people hold on to in this world. So many things that don't satisfy, that will never be enough. I went to 20 minutes of a rugby party last saturday night because they really wanted me to come and I hadn't really hung out with the team outside of practice that much. It was not fun. There was this fake smiley me that came out that was not at all representative of what I was feeling. It reminded me of Vang Vieng, where everyone is on this other level that will disappear unless you keep feeding it and feeding it but eventually you have to stop feeding it because alcohol does bad things to your system.
It's thirsty thursday and I went to Newmarket with some friends to hang out with an old friend. Now I'm going to bed before 11pm. Living the college life aww yea. But for real, what greater satisfaction is there than that found in knowing that I have an eternal hope because my Jesus took my sin on the cross? That I am covered in grace? That I was created by the Creator, I wasn't an accident, and that I have a purpose?
I have a purpose. And right now, a huge part of that purpose, no matter how hard and annoying and frustrating it is, is to be here and be love and light to New Hampshire.
Always remember God is good!
I like this quote a lot. It's one of the first things I saw on facebook just now.
I feel like this is what I've been missing recently. I had such a hold on it when I first came home, even when I was working this summer. I have a grasp of it when I'm in my dorm room and I think it's partly because of the presence of God that just flows in our room. The rest of campus is filled with so many other things that so many people just take a hold of and it's distracting.
It's so sad to see the things people hold on to in this world. So many things that don't satisfy, that will never be enough. I went to 20 minutes of a rugby party last saturday night because they really wanted me to come and I hadn't really hung out with the team outside of practice that much. It was not fun. There was this fake smiley me that came out that was not at all representative of what I was feeling. It reminded me of Vang Vieng, where everyone is on this other level that will disappear unless you keep feeding it and feeding it but eventually you have to stop feeding it because alcohol does bad things to your system.
It's thirsty thursday and I went to Newmarket with some friends to hang out with an old friend. Now I'm going to bed before 11pm. Living the college life aww yea. But for real, what greater satisfaction is there than that found in knowing that I have an eternal hope because my Jesus took my sin on the cross? That I am covered in grace? That I was created by the Creator, I wasn't an accident, and that I have a purpose?
I have a purpose. And right now, a huge part of that purpose, no matter how hard and annoying and frustrating it is, is to be here and be love and light to New Hampshire.
Always remember God is good!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
One Year
I am amazed, absolutely in awe, completely blown away by the goodness of the God I serve right now.
I have no words.
My parents came to visit me at UNH this weekend and brought my YWAM 6 month letter with them. They left about 15 minutes ago and I just opened it only to really realize the work Abba has been doing. Last November I gave God my family as a burnt offering, a sacrifice, to give Him things that mean a lot. Then I had the totally wrong mindset; I wanted to serve God in the ways I wanted to, not how He wanted me to. He redirected my steps to university. What a blessing to see them this weekend. The skype conversations with them and also with my brother have been so encouraging and good. It's wonderful to be in America because I can text them and especially my brother and send him pictures of the changing fall foliage (haha for being in Texas!). It's been good.
So in opening up my 6 month letter I find that they sent with the pictures I used to represent giving up my family, and Papa pretty much slapped me in the face (in the lovely way that He does so well so often :] ) with this fact: He is restoring my family to me. He is giving them back. I wanted to give them up, go anywhere, do 'anything' for Him as long as it was what I wanted. He knew what was best, He knew what I needed and He knew how to guide me in the right direction.
He always knows.
He is always good.
He is love.
There is nothing outside of the life He gives so freely.
Absolutely nothing.
He blows me away every time.
It's been a year since my DTS started. I cannot imagine being able to grow more with my Father than I have this past year. There was so much, good times, trials, adventures, crappy days, revelation, mental breakdowns, freedom and life found in Christ, wrestling, experiencing the Spirit move. So many good things. Some things I wouldn't want to go through again, but those are the times where I learned the most and I'm so thankful for.
Papa is opening up my eyes to the revival in New England and it's big and it's good and it's SO ALIVE. What a privilege it is to be able to serve Him here even though sometimes I get so bitter and angry that He's brought me here. That's the thing I can never let go of: He brought me here.
He is so faithful.
He provides everything I need and more.
He is so good.
I have no words.
My parents came to visit me at UNH this weekend and brought my YWAM 6 month letter with them. They left about 15 minutes ago and I just opened it only to really realize the work Abba has been doing. Last November I gave God my family as a burnt offering, a sacrifice, to give Him things that mean a lot. Then I had the totally wrong mindset; I wanted to serve God in the ways I wanted to, not how He wanted me to. He redirected my steps to university. What a blessing to see them this weekend. The skype conversations with them and also with my brother have been so encouraging and good. It's wonderful to be in America because I can text them and especially my brother and send him pictures of the changing fall foliage (haha for being in Texas!). It's been good.
So in opening up my 6 month letter I find that they sent with the pictures I used to represent giving up my family, and Papa pretty much slapped me in the face (in the lovely way that He does so well so often :] ) with this fact: He is restoring my family to me. He is giving them back. I wanted to give them up, go anywhere, do 'anything' for Him as long as it was what I wanted. He knew what was best, He knew what I needed and He knew how to guide me in the right direction.
He always knows.
He is always good.
He is love.
There is nothing outside of the life He gives so freely.
Absolutely nothing.
He blows me away every time.
It's been a year since my DTS started. I cannot imagine being able to grow more with my Father than I have this past year. There was so much, good times, trials, adventures, crappy days, revelation, mental breakdowns, freedom and life found in Christ, wrestling, experiencing the Spirit move. So many good things. Some things I wouldn't want to go through again, but those are the times where I learned the most and I'm so thankful for.
Papa is opening up my eyes to the revival in New England and it's big and it's good and it's SO ALIVE. What a privilege it is to be able to serve Him here even though sometimes I get so bitter and angry that He's brought me here. That's the thing I can never let go of: He brought me here.
He is so faithful.
He provides everything I need and more.
He is so good.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I'll know my name as it's called again
The beauty of grace is that we don't deserve it. At all. Ever. No way.
Sometimes I really feel like I lose sight of Jesus, of grace, of hope. I get caught up in what's going on and what I'm doing and then all of a sudden I'm in bed going to sleep trying to remember if I even prayed during the day. University has been what I've expected as well as the complete opposite of what I've expected. The enemy has been trying to spring attacks on the regular and sometimes it takes me a while to realize it.
But you know what? Jesus is bigger than all of that. His grace is bigger than all of it. I am redeemed, bought with a price, and I have a hope worth living for and worth dying for. I'm not trying to excuse my occasional poor or wimpy choices (no I'm not drinking or smoking or anything like that), but the thing is Jesus already took my place on the cross and has covered me with His blood. I'm free. I am no longer enslaved by sin or death or this world. I am free and I have hope. Jesus is good and He will always be good.
Needless to say prayers are appreciated. UNH is taking some getting used to for various reasons, mostly spiritual. I'm starting to see how God may be weaving some things together, but I know there's more. I'm a part of something bigger than this world and that is the truth I want to walk in everyday. I'm learning how to die to myself and pick up my cross everyday and trust Jesus to be enough for me.
Because He is enough.
Sometimes I really feel like I lose sight of Jesus, of grace, of hope. I get caught up in what's going on and what I'm doing and then all of a sudden I'm in bed going to sleep trying to remember if I even prayed during the day. University has been what I've expected as well as the complete opposite of what I've expected. The enemy has been trying to spring attacks on the regular and sometimes it takes me a while to realize it.
But you know what? Jesus is bigger than all of that. His grace is bigger than all of it. I am redeemed, bought with a price, and I have a hope worth living for and worth dying for. I'm not trying to excuse my occasional poor or wimpy choices (no I'm not drinking or smoking or anything like that), but the thing is Jesus already took my place on the cross and has covered me with His blood. I'm free. I am no longer enslaved by sin or death or this world. I am free and I have hope. Jesus is good and He will always be good.
Needless to say prayers are appreciated. UNH is taking some getting used to for various reasons, mostly spiritual. I'm starting to see how God may be weaving some things together, but I know there's more. I'm a part of something bigger than this world and that is the truth I want to walk in everyday. I'm learning how to die to myself and pick up my cross everyday and trust Jesus to be enough for me.
Because He is enough.
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